The onset of m'laze

I don't go so long between blog entries on purpose. I don't think it adds anything to only update once a month, it's just I have for so often sought to find something else in my life. This isn't because the last one became a diary, a place for my thoughts which started to alienate me from the world, began to remove me from living with people who existed beyond words alone. But that could be a good reason all the same.

We'll find out whether I can still use those words for good; I've found limited necessity to be creative over the last three months as not only have I no academic work to currently occupy myself, but only a handful of match reports for baseball and no press for QMessenger to be getting on with. I trust this is a period that'll pass.

In the meantime I have come to understand how much of an effort everything can be, provided that you fall into the trap of supposed reality.

When I first started working for the Students' Union I used to finish my jobs immediately and get on with doing the post rounds as well, extending further to go to the other side of campus on an almost daily-basis. However, something stopped me continuing this. Maybe it was the introduction of the new Sabbs, with whom I didn't wish to miss a beat, or perhaps it was that I felt as though my role didn't extend to that, or perhaps, and more likely, it's because the effort I was putting in wasn't seen to be matched whole-heartedly (and this is merely my interpretation rather than a truth, a reality or statement of fact) that subconsciously had a knock-on effect.

Perhaps it was taking on the responsibilities outside of work, such as the baseball club, which required a substantial increase in time, effort and resources to continue its success (we have somehow made the playoffs now), perhaps it was the extension of my contract (I had initially looked at the brief time I had left and made the most of it, but since I will be here another six weeks and the position is being replaced by another staffer I see less importance, that my legacy will be reduced or at least the work I'm doing will be continued and/or it will lead to that which I most detest), or perhaps it was understanding that life exists outside of the Students' Union (although it's less likely to be that). But something triggered to allow me to become complacent, to become more inclined to the easy option and, more poignantly, to become genuinely lazy.

I don't do much thinking outside of what can be immediately applicable. When I'm in the shower I no longer drift towards the thoughts that haunted me before, about the existence of a life outside our mortal souls and of, somewhat surprisingly, helping those more in need than myself. But I barely think anything other than who I will need to contact to ensure the tasks I'm responsible go ahead. And then start an argument in my mind about where it will lead, so while I'm playing hypothetical mind-chess and getting clean on the outside, the drive, desire and essentially the one thing that defined me 18 months ago (my honest approach to ensuring that everyone I could help could put the weight of the world on my shoulders) has probably disappeared forever.

I'm never on MSN Messenger anymore, something that I used to be on permanently, and I have flaked on plans and reduced the responsibility of arranging them. 2 years ago the notion was unfathomable. Now it's inevitable. Is it growing up?

Surely if you do something every day for the entirity of your life, it's something you'll always be able to do. For example running for the bus, pulling all-nighters, drinking from a beer-bong without consequences. But the moment you forget is the moment you lose. Not because you battle against the onset of forgetfulness, energy and desire from the moment you start something, but because time will always catch up. And it's not something you can ever win. But, readers, you can always try to outrun it. Like the T-Rex in Jurrasic Park.

I absolutely need to get excited for life again, and this may mean making a break of something to restore where I come from and understand where I want to go. Disgracefully I live to work at the moment; I've nothing to do during the week but offer everything I have to the SU. But I will find a reason to exist. And, more importantly, I'm going to find that one thing that I'll be able to do for the rest of my life. Not starting tomorrow. Starting now.

Push-ups. I've never been able to do them, so now's the time to start. 10 a day. Go.

'McGuinness

Breathe easy, big man

My clothes are tighter now than ever they've been. The restrictive nature of my growing body is matched only by the overly seasonal temperatures in which my fabrics appear to be washed and dried in during this current warm spell, and what may be comfort eating is in fact lazy nutrition.

All in all I'm now verging on 14st, heavier than I've ever been in my life, but even that extra four or five pounds is having a tremendous impact on my knees and ankles as I run in to bowl or tumble on the floor to field the ball, or even as I hustle to first base to beat out a grounder to short.

I should really keep a better grip on my health, as it is likely that my body will outlast my mind, yet at current pace one may collapse before the other, and my thoughts remain fairly well-conceived.

Deanne and I are currently moving around a lot, which has pressured us into eating whenever we can. With only two evenings per week spent at the flat in Mile End, there's precious little fresh food and so I eat out of the cupboards and the freezers; fat and starch-heavy. At the weekends it is often ready-meals or take aways, which poses similar problems, as again there is only limited fresh food in fridges and as my parents' eating habits have been disrupted by my to-ing and fro-ing, so have their buying habits taken a hit and subsequently reduced healthy variety. That said, I have the chance to cook for myself but often neglect to do so, as I always seem to be in a rush nowadays.

I only have one evening to myself, and over the past month I have tried to fill it with as many people as I can, knowing it won't be long until people disappear again or Deanne and I will be living far away from the norms of the East in the doldrums of the South West. Of London, anyway.

And so I sit here, for the first time in about six weeks, alone without purpose on a Monday night, with no one to share my time with and no revising to be doing. If I were to presume to start my course now then it'd undermine the cost of the thing, so I want to be taught to get value for my money.

What do you do with time? Think? Eat? (That one's been most popular so far) Clean? Desire? Dream? Sleep?

I have half a mind to get stuck back into Robinson Crusoe (not like that) as I help him towards the end of his habitation on the island, but it's easier to stick on a film and watch the night flitter away.

Society has never helped those with determination until they can manufacture an idea that saves other people time. Ironically, then, it's not worth even trying until I can devise a way to prevent myself wasting time creating something that will have been a waste of time to create, unless of course I can save the time I spend working on the thing by utilising it. And even then I break even, temporally at least, and hope to the mighty workings of fate itself that someone else will give it a value worthy of my time.

And herein lies the problem. What worth is time if there's nothing to do with it? Nor anything to achieve by it? Or experience during its passing? What value is money without the time to spend it? What value are possessions without the time to use them? What value is company if it exists in a dimension you are unable to control or join with? What is the point?

I have come to the conclusion, after many minutes of pondering such questions, that it is all about what you make of it. If I clean up then it is not in order to waste time, as in many ways it is deemed productive, but rather that it saves me the effort later when I may not have either the time or the inclination to bother with such trivial matters. If I choose to eat a well-prepared meal rather than a quick-fix to my ravenous body, then the provided the cause is fit for purpose then who should hold me accountable but myself, and it's likely that having already decided it was OK to act in such a way I'll probably fare favourably.

So there are those who claim, or it is claimed of them, to be time-wasters, those who use, or eat, up that most precious of commodities. But who are they who call them such to judge? Have they weighed up all the factors, examined them against themselves, the mean, the average, the range, the mode, the other statistical variants upon which empiricism is based to decide at their response? Probably not, because it would be a waste of time.

Think, dear reader, about the moments that have passed in the creation, distribution and interpretation of this entry. Am I a time-waster? Was it that my ill-prepared dinner allowed me the time to create this piece? Was it that my choices to live, work and play where I have laid my hat did afford me the opportunity to write this article? I ask only because I feel it is worth asking, and that the time taken to consider the answer may help you at a time when such matters are as pressing as the belt around my waist.

'McGuinness

The comings and the goings and the fallings and the risings

Guys and girls

It seems as though it's been forever since I last updated, and I guess in the world of blogging (the so-called 'blogosphere'), a month and a half is a long time. During that period a lot has happened, a lot has been said and a lot has been covered, so I'll try to briefly run through the various occurences.

1) Wedding date set. Though we cannot necessarily afford to invite everyone we know, nor everyone we really care about and their plus-ones, we have taken a step towards permanently loving one another alone by booking the prestigious venue for Saturday 31st March, for around 3pm ceremony. Hopefully the sun'll be out so the place will be a little brighter. Save the day.

2) Exams over - I got through all five exams without really hitting any apparent stride, and although results won't be out from this for another fortnight, I am confident that I'll have done enough to secure my position on my masters course for next year. I really need it.

3) Eating out. Deanne and I went for dinner at our first Michelin Star restaurant last month as a joint birthday present. The food was sublime, and though we were absolutely smashed on two-for-one cocktails (working our way towards immortality on the wall of the bar, as well as a complimentary bottle of champagne), we really enjoyed the occasion. Plus tomorrow we have half-price dinner at the sister restaurant, so doubly good.

4) Joint lives. We are now the proud owners of a joint bank account, so if we're to steal it'll only be from one another. That's the real love.

5) Success - generally on and off the field we've been doing well, especially in the ol' cricket where I've finally been a contributor at a slightly higher level than usual as we've moved to top of the division in a league, by rights, we shouldn't be in (4th team in 3rd XI's 2nd division). #

6) World Cup. I don't much care for football, and as the form until the last couple of days has shown, that's completely justified as many teams had yet to get going. Portugal's demolition of North Korea may be the start of something new, though. Here's hoping.

7) Work. Fairly easy, well within my capabilities, though very, very interesting to go through records of times gone by and suchlike. Nostalgia is exactly how it used to be, and if anything I'm hoping to make it more so.

And thus concludes most of my life for the last six weeks. I apologise if I've not mentioned you by name, but chances are you've had such an impact I've taken it for granted. I am sure everyone knows their current status in my life, and especially those with a definite chance of the ol' invitation their way to that special day, but I currently only have but one day to myself a week and have rarely chosen to spend it alone. Make yourselves available on Monday evenings in East London and I can make those dreams come true.

'McGuinness

Hearing the screens shouting back at you

Dear readers, please accept my apologies again for being distracted this past month. Whenever I think for a minute I find something else to do, and I fear you'll probably know that I am updating as I feel I cannot bear to face another moment of revision.

The last two minutes have been hell.

It is a perculiar problem that I continually face, perhaps more apparent now I know that there's a goal that can be easily achieved should I put my mind to the game. But then, getting a grade that I'm not deserving of undermines the entire purpose of a degree, which should be to attain a higher level of education regardless of the outcome. I understand to some extent the necessity of examinations, although I might be more inclined to agree with their implementation if they offered a more holistic approach to interpreting what someone is not only capable of now, but what they've done to be more employable (if that, of course, is what people come to University for) or more rounded, whilst also specialising in one certain aspect of their education.

My greatest strength, in that sense, is by far more of a hinderance than Achilles' fabled heel. I have always associated knowledge with, 'will it come up in a pub quiz?' From a young age I found myself champing at the bit to know things, without wanting to delve too deeply into the hows and whys, because essentially they were just theory, whereas facts are undisputed. And doing a Geography degree, where processes play as much a part of knowing the truth as uncovering exactly what it is we see and interpret, probably doesn't benefit from this rather superficial outlook on life.

But then over the last few weeks, as the election campaign has heated up and for the first time I have actually bothered trying to keep pace with the people rather than the likely outcome, I'm increasingly aware of how insignificant much of this is.

Note, first, that this might also have been influenced by my failure in the Sabbatical elections.

Point 1: What can we realistically hope to achieve individually that isn't taken further by a global or multi-national organisation? If I want something to happen, then it's likely Windows 7 was my idea, or 'Yes We Can' might swoop down and pick me up in its wings. Ideas are no longer individuals' possessions, but rather their corporations' intellectual properties. And that's not a bad thing necessarily, because if it's all about making society that much better we have to accept individually we may be unable to cause a change and subsequently require input from a firm willing to take a chance. The issue will probably become better explained in point 2.

Point 2: There are no borders. Lines in the sand are far gone by now. The Global Financial Crisis, the War on Terrorism, Climate Change/Global Warming. While perhaps locations might be the hotspots for activity, so little is now reduced to a conflict that occurs only between two organisms in one location that it becomes impossible to track changes, let alone causes. So my point comes back to it being not only easier but, perhaps idealistically, more relevant simply to record observations, report facts. 'Truths'.

Point 3: Heart of gold. I may not possess one, but as the world crushes individuality, without removing the entitlement of individuals to enjoy themselves, express themselves or exist as they wish to live, then it will become clearer to those you surround yourself with whether you'll survive it all. You will need a strong mind, perhaps a strong body, but more importantly you'll need the drive and determination just to get over the hurdles, let alone whatever potential impacts getting up and down might then lead to.

Note, again, that this entry comes after 2 months of working in an unnecessarily stressful environment within London, whilst managing to be more in love with my fiance than I ever feared would be possible, semi-running a whole new baseball club which just about has enough resources to survive and finishing my degree.

Nothing can be taken for face value anymore, and I accept this. But until answers might require responses to 'how' or 'why' on the ol' pub quiz, I'm content to see the world and say, 'yes'.

'McGuinness

Absence of mind, presence of body

Dear followers,

I apologise for neglecting you for so long over the last few weeks. After my last post many of you will know that I embarked upon an election wrought with controversy, not least from one of my candidates (more on that story later), and came out the other side smelling only of the fragrance of whatever shower gel and shampoo I had used at the time.

I didn't win, indeed I actually lost my position outright, but fortunately the people who did vote for me first off also had the sense to give second choice votes to the right person who wasn't me. Subsequently, as I said at the time and continue to tell people now, the electorate made the right choice in the end.

When I said 'more on that story later', I meant now. It turns out that one of my unsuccessful opponents ran in an election shortly after, employing many of the same tactics as he'd done in our campaign. Having been caught and cautioned in our own vote, one would assume that he would have learned from his mistakes, but alas he, along with another candidate for a similar position, did exactly as they had done previously and both were thrown out of that election. Not necessarily for better, but because at the end of the day cheats never prosper.

And I think that's the most happy I've been since my fiance agreed to marry me (that came after the last entry as well, but forgive me for skimming over that one as it's a little more personal and a little less accessible for those who don't know the backstory).

Now I took a trip to America to get over my loss, which also coincided with a fieldtrip we were planning anyway - what chance?!. It was an eye-opening but somewhat underwhelming experience. The fabled tales of the land of the free must surely have been faked; car adverts, food adverts and the obvious limitations of social expression were clear for most to see. Yet without meaning to go all human-geography on you, it was an OK trip to an OK location, where the company and content of the course made it far more bearable.

I quickly became bored of alligators.

On returning from America I went straight into a successful job interview, so the last month of my degree I decided to get a full-time job within the institution I was unsuccessful in being elected into. Doing basically what I'd planned on managing had I won the vote.

I shalln't disclose details of the job or personelle. Most of you will know them or something similar to it within your own walks of life and I don't want to get blown up for libel before I've received my first paycheque!

Either way, as the 'real' elections loom (NUS, General, GeogSoc President), I'll leave you knowing only that the sporting year has already been a good one. 2010 brought with it the Winter Olympics and will play host to the World Cup, but I've already been a part of a team that has won one league, won the Merger Cup (first time in forever), been promoted from another and won its first ever baseball fixture. They're not all the same team, but they have the same characteristics - a desire to play honestly, play hard and play well.

I think the key one will always be the first - as I've said time and again, as long as it's true to you then it's true. You don't need references, you don't need justification. No one has the right to quiz or question what you feel, as long as it's what you feel.

'McGuinness

Step 1 - embrace the truth

While I've never been one to seek the truth and the truth alone, I'd like to think of myself as an honest, upstanding young guy. And so, in that vein, I'm running in an upcoming election.

I've let a lot of people know about it before, and I'm not declaring which one it is formally due to a number of severe punishments that might blight my campaign, and potentially cause me to pull out. Which I don't want. And neither will a certain body of people.

I have dedicated a lot of my time to such activities before even thinking about going on a march to win this particular election, and although I appear to be policy-lite I can assure everyone that I will be true to what I set out to do. They're not unachievable tasks by any means, but that said they are the sort of things that most people would find time in their schedules to avoid. Subsequently I hope to evolutionise the organisation into which I hope to be elected by simple structures and an improvement of infrastructure and coherence of policy within afformentioned organisation.

It's difficult to do this without winning an election. And it's difficult to win an election without being quite outspoken about ridiculous policies that might attract a voter but also a cynic. I feel that my only weaknesses are that I refuse to overstretch myself, but my counter argument would be that I will be able to change the small things to make the big things easier to manage in the future. It's not a legacy, it's a sustainable approach to the future of an organisation I genuinely feel I belong to. And it's a long time since one of those has come along.

It is increasingly tricky to preach what I practise in a world where only the extraordinary get credit. I accept that in many ways I will be relying not on policies or people skills but rather the enticement of voters via pretty young people, which traditionally fares well against those with more rigorous beliefs or upstanding issues. While it is a sad state of affairs, at least it is an honest approach to a population who increasingly choose abstaining because they can't be bothered to go out of their way to actually declare themselves as abstaining instead of dirty tricks employed by far too many of my colleagues here on this planet.

If I lose, then so be it. As long as I lose in the right way, to someone who has also earned the right to stand, let alone reside in the office of this position, and to someone who has gone about the election in the right way. I refuse to accept a defeat at the hands of a mercenary who only wants something to put on their CV because they have nothing else to say for themselves.

If they'd embraced what the role stood for in the years leading up to this moment then they wouldn't be so narcissistic in their approach.

'McGuinness

There is a light

My dissertation is finished (although not officially submitted), the worst of the weather is probably over (touch wood) and it won't be long before I can start planning the future of the Students' Union here at Queen Mary. But what about the rest of the world?

I will confess that this will be somewhat more contemporary an entry compared to some of the others, but bear with me:

Terrorism is still happening. Take Yemen, Angola, Detroit, Somalia, Afghanistan... for all our efforts to apparently rid the world of terror (start with the moooooooovies and work backwards, it's probably easier to nanny the planet if you begin with the media) there have been precious few inroads. That said, perhaps we're seeing more evidence because there are more reporters or it's more likely to make the headlines. As I said, out of sight, out of mind - change the broadcasters' output if you want to win this one.

The economy hasn't made many advances from where it was last time I checked. Perhaps fewer people are being made unemployed, fewer banks are failing and the like, but for the most part it seems to be just as 'bad' as it ever was. I haven't yet experienced any of the fallout from before, but I'm sure it's coming. No change.

Society is still a little too angry for my liking. We continue to blame everyone else for everything, we come up with solutions with practicable methods of applications, we have an excuse for every moment of adversity and we refuse to admit responsibility. This is where I come in. Take it on the chin, accept that no one will ever give you credit, even if you shout it out, and season your life well. A pinch of salt gives flavour to what would otherwise be bland. Where is society angry? People like me getting frustrated with people using the increasingly lenient flow-charts or scripts of dealing with problems that we're faced with. 'I can't come in, I've got a cold'. Rubbish. I went to school in crutches for a month, so why can't people with the sniffles go to somewhere they get paid?

I have begun to lose my way I fear, but then I am just as part of the problem as I am a commentator on it: if it weren't for the royal family there wouldn't be a constant in our lives. Think about it, it makes sense, even if you don't agree with their position.

'McGuinness