Thursday, 19 August 2010

The onset of m'laze

I don't go so long between blog entries on purpose. I don't think it adds anything to only update once a month, it's just I have for so often sought to find something else in my life. This isn't because the last one became a diary, a place for my thoughts which started to alienate me from the world, began to remove me from living with people who existed beyond words alone. But that could be a good reason all the same.

We'll find out whether I can still use those words for good; I've found limited necessity to be creative over the last three months as not only have I no academic work to currently occupy myself, but only a handful of match reports for baseball and no press for QMessenger to be getting on with. I trust this is a period that'll pass.

In the meantime I have come to understand how much of an effort everything can be, provided that you fall into the trap of supposed reality.

When I first started working for the Students' Union I used to finish my jobs immediately and get on with doing the post rounds as well, extending further to go to the other side of campus on an almost daily-basis. However, something stopped me continuing this. Maybe it was the introduction of the new Sabbs, with whom I didn't wish to miss a beat, or perhaps it was that I felt as though my role didn't extend to that, or perhaps, and more likely, it's because the effort I was putting in wasn't seen to be matched whole-heartedly (and this is merely my interpretation rather than a truth, a reality or statement of fact) that subconsciously had a knock-on effect.

Perhaps it was taking on the responsibilities outside of work, such as the baseball club, which required a substantial increase in time, effort and resources to continue its success (we have somehow made the playoffs now), perhaps it was the extension of my contract (I had initially looked at the brief time I had left and made the most of it, but since I will be here another six weeks and the position is being replaced by another staffer I see less importance, that my legacy will be reduced or at least the work I'm doing will be continued and/or it will lead to that which I most detest), or perhaps it was understanding that life exists outside of the Students' Union (although it's less likely to be that). But something triggered to allow me to become complacent, to become more inclined to the easy option and, more poignantly, to become genuinely lazy.

I don't do much thinking outside of what can be immediately applicable. When I'm in the shower I no longer drift towards the thoughts that haunted me before, about the existence of a life outside our mortal souls and of, somewhat surprisingly, helping those more in need than myself. But I barely think anything other than who I will need to contact to ensure the tasks I'm responsible go ahead. And then start an argument in my mind about where it will lead, so while I'm playing hypothetical mind-chess and getting clean on the outside, the drive, desire and essentially the one thing that defined me 18 months ago (my honest approach to ensuring that everyone I could help could put the weight of the world on my shoulders) has probably disappeared forever.

I'm never on MSN Messenger anymore, something that I used to be on permanently, and I have flaked on plans and reduced the responsibility of arranging them. 2 years ago the notion was unfathomable. Now it's inevitable. Is it growing up?

Surely if you do something every day for the entirity of your life, it's something you'll always be able to do. For example running for the bus, pulling all-nighters, drinking from a beer-bong without consequences. But the moment you forget is the moment you lose. Not because you battle against the onset of forgetfulness, energy and desire from the moment you start something, but because time will always catch up. And it's not something you can ever win. But, readers, you can always try to outrun it. Like the T-Rex in Jurrasic Park.

I absolutely need to get excited for life again, and this may mean making a break of something to restore where I come from and understand where I want to go. Disgracefully I live to work at the moment; I've nothing to do during the week but offer everything I have to the SU. But I will find a reason to exist. And, more importantly, I'm going to find that one thing that I'll be able to do for the rest of my life. Not starting tomorrow. Starting now.

Push-ups. I've never been able to do them, so now's the time to start. 10 a day. Go.